


when everything’s made to be broken

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 5 + 1 Fic, Aftermath of Torture, Angry Kylo Ren, Canon Compliant, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Throws A Tantrum, Mild Spoilers For Poe Dameron: Free Fall, Movie: Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Movie: Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Multi, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Sad Kylo Ren, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25818127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Five times Kylo broke something in a rage, and one time he didn’t.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7
Collections: Darkpilot Sentence Starters, Gen Prompt Bingo Round 18





	when everything’s made to be broken

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Something Breaks/Malfunctions
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: This was inspired by a comment I made in das_sporking, because I noticed Kylo didn’t have his first tantrum, so to speak, until he heard about Finn’s involvement in getting BB-8 off Jakku. Then I also noticed that Kylo was remarkably calm when he found out about Finn helping Poe escape, which explains how #3 is written. 
> 
> Title taken from the song “Iris”. Was listening to DIAMANTE and Benjamin Burnley’s cover when I was writing parts of this fic.

1\. The first time that he’d thrown a tantrum (as Hux would call it), it was after an argument with his uncle.   
  
He didn’t even know if the fight had been that important, actually, but Uncle Luke had accused him of having darkness in him. Which was ridiculous — Ben was nothing but devoted to the Jedi and somehow Uncle Luke still thought it wasn’t enough.   
  
And it had been after trashing his quarters that he’d called Poe. He realized looking over his overturned bed and the gouges carved in the earth that this wasn’t normal. It wasn’t what Jedi did, but Ben had just felt that loathing towards himself that needed to be released...  
  
He contacted Poe. Poe stared for a while from his room at the Academy. Then, gently, compassionately, “Ben...are you okay?”  
  
“I wish I didn’t have the Force,” Ben finally said.   
  
“Don’t say that, Ben.”  
  
“No, really,” Ben finally said. “I...I try so hard to stay on the right path, and it’s not enough for this self-righteous uncle of mine...”  
  
“What did he say?”  
  
“He said he ‘senses’ Darkness in me. What the kriff is that supposed to mean?” Ben said. “I just...kriff, Poe...”  
  
“I think that wanting to be perfect is pretty universal,” Poe said softly. “Whether you’re Force Sensitive or not.”  
  
The way Poe said it — it implied that he felt it too, and despite himself, Ben’s heart ached for him. He was such a good man — a man with a love for the galaxy that seemed boundless. It was strange; no one seemed to simply love people like Poe did, even though Poe was no Jedi. He’d saved the life of a woman who saw him as guilty by association in joining the Spice Runners, after all...  
  
And Ben, Force help him, loved Poe for it.   
  
“You are perfect,” Ben said. “Really.”  
  
“I’m not.” Poe laughed softly. “Ben, I’m just a man. A man who wants to do the right thing.”  
  
“You do that a lot of the time.”  
  
“So do you. It doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect. We can be imperfect together."  
  
Despite himself, Ben did smile. Then, “I’m sorry about my room.”  
  
Poe laughed. “It’s okay. Sometimes I do that.”  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
Poe shrugged. “Yeah. Just...look, Ben, maybe we can go on a date and we can just smash stuff.”  
  
Silence.   
  
“I — I mean,” Poe said, “As friends. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’d like — love it either way...”  
  
Ben actually did laugh. "That would be nice. We’ll try a friend date first. Really.”  
  
2\. He didn’t know if crushing the blue kyber crystal counted per se. But he supposed it was the first time as Kylo that he broke something. He didn’t just see Tai, and his family. He saw Poe, saw everything. All that was, all that could be.   
  
It proved to be symbolic in crafting his lightsaber. Snoke criticized it, of course, saying it made the lightsaber unstable (and Kylo supposed he had a point there), but Kylo Ren could at least appreciate the symbolism.   
  
3\. He didn’t really get angry until Mitaka — the blithering, dithering idiot — had told him about FN-2187 being involved.   
  
Up until then, he’d been slightly amused and disbelieving at the idea of a droid stealing a freighter. (Someplace, somewhere, Atton Rand was doing an I-told-you-so dance) Then Mitaka had mentioned FN-2187.  
  
He’d been calm, all things considered, when he'd simply _known_ FN-2187 had rescued Poe. If anything, there was a part of him that was still Ben Solo that was grateful for FN-2187 stealing Poe away. (Was it kidnapping if Poe went with him willingly?)  
  
And BB-8 —  
  
He’d lashed out at the console after Mitaka had mentioned FN-2187. It was less anger at Mitaka; after all, _Mitaka_ hadn’t been stupid enough to simply give the defector a _pass_ at the village. (It had been one of Kylo’s idiotic moments of mercy, he could only assume. His own compassion, his own stupidity. He wouldn’t be so merciful when he next met up with FN-2187)  
  
And his own weakness involving Poe too, now that he thought about it. His own compassion, his own stupidity, had led Poe to escaping him, and Snoke...Snoke would hate him for it. In Snoke’s eyes, he was either a demon or everything Snoke ever wanted; there was no in-between.   
  
He hadn’t nearly killed Mitaka until he’d mentioned a girl either (a girl whose mention sent a sickening stab of awareness in his gut. Three buns and all...). Mitaka had explained...and Kylo had put him down.   
  
Kylo had at least thanked Mitaka for his information. At least before going off to have an anxiety attack in private. In private, he could swear he _saw_ — not like a ghost or a Force Bond, just sheer wishful thinking — Poe running away from him, again and again.   
  
“Make it go away,” he murmured. “Dear Force, make it go away.”  
  
4\. The girl had escaped.   
  
How could he have been so stupid? She was abnormally powerful with the Force, though she was untrained — like him, she had no idea of the true extent of her Force abilities. A prodigy, as he had been, with no clue how to control it.   
  
(He supposed he could have a strange kinship with her there)  
  
Even as he lashed out at the empty interrogation room, shouting for the guards, it wasn’t just frustration and confusion that came over him (she got out, somehow she got out), but also self-hate. A strange self-hate to outsiders, but it made sense to him.   
  
Snoke’s approval could wax and wane depending on what mood he was in. Sometimes he was effusive with praise, saying Kylo was the best of his apprentices. Sometimes he hated Kylo, and Kylo felt like nothing. He could be a spoiled, selfish demon or everything Snoke wanted depending on Snoke’s mood, and though Kylo gobbled up the approval like it was meat to a starving tu’kata — it was the erratic nature of Snoke’s faith in him (idealize one moment, devalue the next) that kept him on edge.   
  
(He wondered if Snoke’s Master was the same, whoever they were)  
  
The frustration and fear and rage needed a place to go. It was a good thing that unlike the hapless Mitaka, the stormtroopers made their way out of the vicinity to avoid becoming a needless casualty.   
  
  
5\. The turbolift was a refuge, even as Kylo took time to take in his confrontation with Snoke. He had expected Snoke to be disappointed. Snoke was strict on him — as his own master had apparently been strict. But the idea that everything he’d done in Snoke’s name was for nothing...  
  
 _Alas, you’re no Vader. You’re just a child in a mask..._  
  
And he had wanted to be Vader. So much like Vader. Cut off and cold, not caring about anything. It was what Dark Siders were, weren’t they? Ever strong, ever true, devoted to an ideal, not anything like compassion. Those who were compassionate usually got cut down sooner or later.   
  
_The deed split your spirit to the bone..._  
  
He’d wanted to hate Han Solo. Wanted to be angry with him. Just like he wanted to be with Poe, and others. But then he’d _seen._ He’d seen how Poe had been looking for him even though he shouldn’t have, and even before that, he’d remembered how he’d loved Poe, in some ways like one would love a champion.   
  
And Han Solo...  
  
Han had loved him. Han had forgiven him and believed in him. Kylo wasn’t worthy of that when he’d brought shame on his family.   
  
He could remember the caress of a hand against his cheek, callused and weathered. Snippets of a man, searching for Kylo, a man with curly black hair and a love for the galaxy that was pure, unfiltered, unconditional.   
  
He’d tortured Poe for the map, killed Han Solo. (Did he mean to say the word “torture”? Torture was what the Resistance did, right?) And Snoke...  
  
It had all been for nothing. Snoke had said it wasn’t enough. These sacrifices — a waste.   
  
His breathing was coming in shallow. Kylo was vaguely aware he was on the verge of tears. Tears wouldn’t do. Tears had weakened him. Tears had led him to fail in his duty.   
  
He bashed his helmet into pieces. If Snoke thought that the helmet was ridiculous, just him pretending...well, was there any use in wearing it when what he’d done turned out to be for nothing?   
  
And meanwhile, he could, at least in the back of his mind, start plotting Snoke’s death. He’d shielded long enough. Concealed long enough. Snoke would pay for what he did. That Kylo knew.   
  
_And one time he didn’t..._  
  
He had to admit that if there was one area where he was more mature, it was the fact he didn’t break things anymore. Throw _tantrums,_ Hux sneeringly said once when the idiot no doubt thought he couldn’t hear him. That was too simple. It wasn’t about getting attention, in the end. It was all about lashing out — the boy who thought it was his fault, his fault, his fault...  
  
He should have been happy as Supreme Leader. The man who had everything. The man who had the galaxy at his fingertips, who could do so much with it. Mold it to his liking.   
  
Instead, he had never felt more alone.   
  
The girl, who he could have called a friend, had left him. Luke Skywalker was dead — and the bastard had had to go out on his own terms, instead of Kylo killing him and being done with it. He could have at least had his revenge here — revenge that he’d always wanted.   
  
Snoke was dead, at least. Kylo could take comfort in that, at least. It didn’t make everything Snoke put him through go away, of course — Kylo wished it did.   
  
And Poe knew who he was...  
  
That caused Kylo to take a shaky breath. He could hear Poe. Feel his agony, as much as he felt his mother’s abject rejection of him, her abject hatred of him. (At least her hatred explained why she hadn’t come for him herself) He wished, in the end, that he hadn’t done what he’d done to Poe. Among other things he’d done.   
  
It was on Poe’s Naming Day that Kylo felt the emptiness all but yawning in him. Yawning like a maw full of teeth, ready to devour everything.   
  
Kylo didn’t smash anything this time. Instead, he sat down, legs crossed, and breathed into that maw, embracing the pain he felt, the rage and grief.   
  
It would make him stronger.   
  
And when he killed enough of himself...maybe then he’d become the man he was meant to be.


End file.
